In 2020....
48,344 people died from suicide,
and
1.4 million people attempted suicide.
I was one of those 1.4 million people.
In circumstances I never thought I'd find myself, I was living with a man who after 29 years of marriage came home to inform me he no longer loved me. Our home became a prison that I was trapped inside. Locked in with nowhere to go and feeling alone and isolated, I began to experience anxiety that of which I had never had before.
For weeks, as I was stuck at home, in a volatile situation, I began to sink deep into depression's deep chasm. I felt a deep-bone weariness that no amount of sleep (if I could have slept), or caffeine could have shook. All I wanted to do was curl up in bed and stay there. My body was no longer mine. I began to experience body shakes that I could not control. My eye lids would twitch, at times to the point I could not see well enough to drive. I was only sleeping 20-30 minutes a night. I was emotionally and physically spent.
There were very few people that knew the place I was in. I felt utterly alone. The one person who was always there for me, didn't seem to hear what I was saying or see how I was suffering. I faced the battle alone. I tried reaching out to a few people, only to be made to fell like if I just prayed harder or had more faith, it would get better. I prayed harder than I ever had, I flooded my mind with christian music, I searched my Bible for answers. But it didn't get better. It just made me feel like even more of a failure. I couldn't even get my faith and relationship with God right.
I cried out to a friend and then to my husband that I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I didn't know what was going on, or what I even needed. All I knew was that I was hurting and I was hurting on an island all by myself.
Then that dreaded day. For a long time I didn't even remember all the details of that day. But what I will never forget is the moment I laid in bed, numb, overwhelmed, and feeling completely abandon. All I wanted was for the pain to stop. The moment when I told my husband I honestly believed. no one really loved or cared about me.
The moment he chose to walk away instead of reaching out to help.
The truth is I really didn't want to die. I just wanted the pain to end. If you’ve never been depressed or suicidal, it can be hard to understand and harder still to relate. It’s lonely in the deep depths of depression’s darkness and can feel like a boulder on your back pushing you below the sea’s surface, making it difficult to do the simple things like brush your teeth, and the more vital things like breathing. I was drowning.
That afternoon while my husband showered, I swallowed a mixture of 22-ish narcotics and crawled in bed to go to sleep. I don't remember anything after that, not until I awoke in the ICU 3 days later. The day I took the pills, I made it to the ER and I died 3 times before the doctors were able to stabilize me.
I write this from a place of total healing, restored by God, and acutely aware that I am not the only Christian who has struggled with these things. What I do know is that there is a stigma within the Modern evangelical church that causes many Christians to suffer alone. Afraid to be honest with others about how they are feeling. A 2013 study by Lifeway Research found 50% of evangelical church goers believed that prayer alone could conquer serious mental illness. This was the reason I was afraid to keep talking about what I was going through. I experienced this firsthand.
If you have never felt depressed, I think it hard to truly understand what it is like.
Myth:
depression isn't just sadness. It's so much more complex than that. It's emptiness, Flatness. Irritation. A strange numbness.
My journey from that point was one of redemption. Healing. I was able to come to terms with my depression and anxiety. With medication and therapy I was able to become whole again. God spoke to me in ways He'd never done before. He helped to make me whole again and see hope in what seemed hopeless.
But as I live and breath today, I believe God kept me on the earth for a purpose and part of that purpose is to share my testimony. My testimony of redemption. My testimony of grace. My testimony of hope. My testimony of joy unspeakable.
Whether you are personally struggling with these things, or just want to understand it more. I would like to share some thoughts from my perspective.
The lie that those walking closely with God don’t ever have suicidal thoughts or other mental health issues is dangerous because it wrongly casts these issues as sin. If we believe depression and dark thoughts are sinful, we’re more likely to feel ashamed and expect God to deal sternly with us. But the truth is God is good and gracious. Depression and suicidal thoughts don’t care about how spiritual we are. I’m sure plenty of devout believers and faithful leaders wish it did. I do.
Oft4en as believers we know these are not healthy and normal thoughts. We are well aware that they are uncomfortable and frightening for people to talk about. So we fight to suppress them, telling ourselves not to think such hideous thoughts. If we’ve been in treatment for a while, we might be able to recognize that those thoughts belong to the disease. We might be able to recognize them as lies.
But we might not.
If you’re struggling, you need to know your life can be set apart to his purpose and filled with opportunities to serve and bless others. You may still struggle. Sometimes, you might want to die, but you are no less beloved, worthy, or faithful because of the dark thoughts. And, though you may not believe it, it’s still possible to live a full, joyful life in the midst of depression.
I have to take my meds every day and spend time with Jesus in the morning. I tell those closet to me when I have hard days because I am determined Satan will not win. I am past the hard part of my journey. God has began to rewrite my story, and it is a story of joy. Of victory. Of fresh starts. God found it fit to keep me around a while longer. He turned my ashes into beauty. He never wastes a hurt and if one person can find hope in my story then sharing it will be worth it.
I am a Christian. I fight anxiety and depression. I attempted suicide. But my story isn't over yet.
My story is beautiful and I’m happy.
