Scars left behind

 

"The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip."

Genesis 32:31

On many occasions, pain, both physical and emotional have prevented me from seeing the obvious glimpses of God all around me.  

Exhaustion when raising my kids, the disappointment in failure, feeling overwhelmed during hardships, watching my dad die, watching my marriage fall apart.  All these things and more have made it difficult for me to see God's goodness at times. 

I have often said that the one person I can relate to the. most in the Bible is Jacob.   There have been many times in my life that I have felt like I was wrestling with God.  Wrestling through difficult and painful situations.  Holding onto God and refusing to let go until I find a blessing in the middle of it all.   

There is always a blessing, even in the midst of struggles and pain.  And just like Jacob, it will leave us forever changed.  For Jacob, it was a new name and a limp..  For me, it has been a number of things.  A deeper level of compassion for others.  A revelation of God's faithfulness, even in pain.  Healing, both physically and emotionally.  Through every struggle through there is one thing I have always walked away with....

SCARS

Scars; (noun)- a mark left after an injury, where healing has taken place.  

I used to always think of scars as ugly reminders of a painful event.   But what I have learned over the years, is that the scars left behind from the pain I have encountered are all reminders of God's goodness and faithfulness.  

God's goodness is there to be found in every circumstance in our lives.  We carry those scars not only as a reminder to us of what God has done in our lives but also as a testimony to be shared with others.  

If we change our perspective we will always be able to find God in the middle of our circumstances, even the messy and painful ones.  He is always present.  He is always good even in the hard times.

Take some time to look at the scars you have that are left behind as evidence of God's healing in your life.   And ask Him how He can use them to be a blessing to others who may be wrestling through the same battles you have already fought.   

My Moving on & Forgiveness Journey Part 2

 

Step two in my journey was letting go of guilt.

The other freeing thing that jumped out of the pages of the book was the reassurance that making that choice to file for divorce was not a burden, riddled with shame that I needed to carry.  Part of my journey to the day I filed was a two week getaway to rural Mississippi.   Two weeks surrounded by the unconditional love of my best friend, Godly counsel, lots of time on a porch swing with Jesus, and a little more time with Jesus while soaking in the sun in the pool. 

It was while on that trip that I cried out to Jesus in my pain.   Asked for answers.   Pleaded for wisdom to do the right thing.  It was there that I felt at peace with the decision I was about to make.  The decision to cause my children incredible pain.  The decision to end a marriage.  To break up a marriage.  A decision that 100% without a doubt I knew God had given me peace about.  Yet, a decision that none the less would be hard.   Would cause tears.   A decision that some would not understand.  And a decision that some people would judge me by and would cause me to lose people I thought were friends.  

What I did know is I was 100% surrounded by God's love and His promise to never leave me or forsake me.  The peace that as I walked through this journey He would take care of me.  Of Ashley and Levi.   That there was still happiness for me to find.  That all He asked of me was to stay right in the middle of His presence.  Keep listening to His voice.   And obey.

One of the next things I came across in reading "Forgiving What you Can't Forget" spoke straight to the voice of the Enemy that kept telling me I was not acting in God's will.  That I should have tried harder. 

 Lysa goes on to say, "Reunion or reconciliation requires two people who are willing to do the hard work to come back together.  Redemption is just between you and God.  God can redeem your life, even if damaged human relationships don't come back together.

And you and I can forgive, even if the relationship never gets restored.  It's so incredibly freeing to forgive and not to have to wait on the other people who may or may not ever want to or be willing to talk all of this through.  Forgiveness isn't always about doing something for a human relationship but rather about being obedient to what God has instructed us to do."

There were two people in this situation I needed to forgive.   First, I needed to forgive myself.  Forgive myself for the mistakes and shortcomings that I had that contributed to the place we found ourselves in.  And second, I needed to forgive him.   Forgive him to hurtful words.  Forgive him for not fighting for us.  Forgive him for resenting the time I spent away from our family when my dad died.  Forgive him for not being there for me at my darkest hour.   Forgive him for his unwillingness to try to fix things. I felt like I was swimming in a sea of hurt, but every time I chose to forgive him, the less I hurt.

I found that as I followed Jesus in obedience and began to forgive, I felt freer than I had ever felt.  I began to feel a new pep to my step.  I began to smile again.  Not to say there were not times I cried (and still do), but my sadness is overwhelmed with anger and resentment anymore.

As I prayed, and prayed, and prayed for God to help me through this process, I also asked Him to give me eyes to see others, especially those who've hurt me through His eyes.   And he did just that.  As I forgave, I also on a deeper level began to feel sorry in a way for him.   Sorry that he grew up in a broken home and didn't have an example of a forever, through thick and thin kind of love.   Sorry that his example of love was so entirely different than mine based on the experiences we had growing up.  Sorry that he chose to turn to alcohol and other vices instead of turning to Jesus.  Sorry that he was losing his family and pushing away his kids.  Sorry that no matter what he tried to portray to others, he so evidently was being tortured inside,  

The next thing that happened was I felt I not only needed to forgive, but I also needed to be forgiven.   In the beginning, I focused too much on apologizing to him.  Trying to get him to understand where was I was coming from.  Ask for his forgiveness for the things I did to hurt him.   For selfishness.  For pride.  For making decisions that so gravely affected both him and our children.  

But the thing I realized was that there were two innocent people who I needed forgiveness for.   My children.   I won't go into details to respect their privacy, but I will tell you that it was humbling to ask for forgiveness from them both.  I asked for forgiveness for the things I had done, but I also apologized for the way their parents' toxic relationship affected them.  For tolerating things I never should have,   For not seeing clearly sooner.   For things, I didn't directly do but things they were hurt by nonetheless.

I will tell you, this has not been easy.   It's sometimes a daily struggle to forgive someone who doesn't seem to think they are in need of forgiveness. I am sure this is a journey that even when I think I "made it" though I will revisit from time to time.

But for now, my journey continues.   And I will keep plugging along and I hope you will too.  I've only shared with you through chapter 1 and there is 14 in the book 😊😊

My Moving on & Forgiveness Journey Part 1

I will admit, 47 and divorced was never how I envisioned my life.  

It wasn't something I wanted.  It wasn't something I chose.  I was raised that marriage was sacred, that vows meant something, that love was messy and hard, but you fought for it, and you didn't give up on it.

Walking this journey has brought me closer to God and taught me a million and one different lessons.   The hardest of these lessons has been forgiveness.  And if I am 100% honest with you, I am still learning.   

I recently started a Bible Study by Lysa TerKeurst called "Forgiving What You Can't Forget".   I am only 2 chapters in.   And can I tell you that it has stepped into those dark places in my heart that are still a little raw.   Places that one day I hope are fertile soil again.  I am somewhere in this process.  Most days are good.  Others are much harder.  
But I wanted to share my journey with you in hopes that it helps you mend those raw places in your heart that still hurt when certain things trigger you.  Through my journey I will be sharing insight from Lysa's book that have touched me.  

I pray that if you decide to walk this journey with me it inspires you to let go of the hurt, allow God to step in and heal your pain, and chose to embrace true forgiveness.   There is a freedom that is only found when we chose (yes, it is a choice), to forgive others, especially those who have deeply wounded us. 

So, let's get started.   Here is a little of what has jumped out at me so far...

One of things I have struggled with in the journey to moving on, forgiving, and letting go, is all the memories that jump out at me.  They were on my walls, in my phone, they pop up in my Facebook memories.  Current status aside, I didn't know how to process through my guilt when they were staring me down like a constant reminder of a husband who no longer loved me, didn't want to try anymore.  Failure.  Pain. Abandonment.  Rejection.  

One night after a complete breakdown.   A conversation with my mom.  Falling asleep with worship music flooding my ears and praying and crying until I fell asleep.  I awoke with a complete, peace that only come from our Father kind of peace.   I woke up with a plan.   I clear plan before me that I knew, 100%, without a doubt was planted in my heart by Jesus.   

Among other things He spoke to me that I needed to create a space in my life free from anything that caused me anxiety.  For me that was my bedroom.   The only place I could go to be alone.  To get away from the stress and anxiety that flooded our home.  I took down pictures and replaced them with ones my my children.  I added things that made me happy (one of which was pink sheets on my bed).  

The part that I have struggled with over now that we are divorced is those things.  Pictures, Photo albums.  Momentos.  They are all filled with memories.  29 years of them.   Some were good, really good.  They are a part of who I am.  They represent happy times like the birth of my kids, vacations, 

While I found peace in my little sanctuary (my bedroom), "completely sterilizing my life from the physical presence of reminders doesn't remove the pain.  I can't edit reality to try to force healing.  I can't fake myself into being okay with what happened.  But I can decide what I do with the memories.  My life can be a graceful combination of beautiful and painful."

Those words jumped off the page and settled the battle in my mind.  The one where I felt like I couldn't smile when that photo from a family vacation popped up in my Facebook memories.  The pictures of Ashley's birth and Levi's first day of school.   It would be unfair to say after 29 years there weren't lots of thing to smile about.  I felt a ironic freedom in the idea that our story ended tragically.  That the love story I (and so many others) thought will live for eternity actually ended.  But that I could choose to hold on to both the beautiful part of it and also the painful ones.

I guess that is it for today.   Keep coming back and walking with me through the journey I am taking to process my hurt.  Learn to forgive (really forgive). And walk into the new beautiful life God has in store for me. 

Trust me, my story is far from over!