Bitter or Better?

 

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes."

~Ephesians 6:10 (NIV)

None of us make it through this life without being affected by the actions of other people. Often actions hurt us deeply. (Even if you pretend that they don't).

We all experience times when it is really easy to angry, bitter, and resentful towards another person. The truth is that sometimes it is hard not to.

If we allow bitterness will begin to take over our lives. Bitterness is consuming. It will swallow you up if you allow it. It will begin to take over every part of your life. And if you are not careful it will camp there for a really long time. 

The thing about bitterness is it won't change the past. But it will most certainly change your future. Bitterness keeps us from enjoying the present and causes us to wallow in anger over the past. It is like a poison in our veins and takes over our ability to live in the moment. It is s spiral that if we allow it won't just affect your life, it will affect everyone around you.

"Watch over each other to make sure that no one misses the revelation of God’s grace. And make sure no one lives with a root of bitterness sprouting within them which will only cause trouble and poison the hearts of many"

~Hebrews 12:15 (the Passion Translation)

Bitterness consumes your mind. We begin to rehearse what we would say if given a chance. We think about what we should have said. We carry on all these imaginary conversations that won't stop playing through our minds. It destroys our minds. It keeps us from experiencing what God has for us. 

Life is unfair. Trust me I get it. Maybe you feel like you deserve to feel bitter. But I promise that by choosing bitterness, you also choose to give that person or situation that hurt us to continue to cause us pain. It is like standing in front of the pain, holding out your hand, and saying "Here's my joy. It's all yours!"

I am not dismissing your pain. I am not saying you should just "get over it". I am not saying that what happened to you is no big deal. Your pain is valid. I am however asking that you would look at how much time and energy you are still giving to that thing or person that hurt you.

You have a choice...

Bitter or Better?

Being better means...

                                                                                        Choosing life

                                                                                                Choosing freedom

                                                                                                        Choosing joy

                                                                                                                 Choosing to be present!

But only you can make the choice. And sometimes we have to make that choice daily. Sometimes we have to make that choice many times throughout the day.

Don't let whoever or whatever hurt you continue to steal your joy for one more second!

Release it to God. Know that he will take care of it. And chose to leave it behind you!

I am not going to promise it will be easy. It probably won't be at first. But I do promise that you will begin to move forward. Freedom from the pain. Freedom from what has been shackling you to the past. All you have to do is reach out and grab it.

Jesus wants you to live a life free from bitterness. Not because what happened to you is ok. But because what happened to you was covered by his blood when he hung on the cross. See, he did that for you. He died for you. He died on that cross to take on your pain. He died so that you wouldn't have to walk through life with a burden so heavy.

Bitter or Better, you choose!

 And when the ugly monster of bitterness tries to sneak back in... Choose again!

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

~Ephesians 4:31-32 (ESV)

                                                                                                          

To the Women Who Slept with My Husband

To the Women Who Slept with my Husband 

I have shared a lot about my journey over the last few years.  The journey that almost ended my life, was the difficult road of divorce.  The last thing left unsaid is in regards to the "other women".  

If you've ever considered being the "other woman", here are some things I would like you to know.  I will never forget finding your number on my cell phone bill.  He'd come home weeks before and told me he didn't think he loved me anymore. My gut told me there was someone else. I had just woken from a dream where he was sleeping with another woman and that prompted me to check the cell phone bill. There it was.  Your number over and over again.  So many minutes given to you. 

I called you.  I didn't say a word.  My heart dropped when you answered the phone.  Even if I asked you, I knew you would lie. Quite honestly he probably lied to you. Did he tell you we were still married?  Did he tell you we still shared a bed?  Did he tell you he committed to working on things? Did you think about me or my kids and how much what you were doing would kill us?  Did you even care?

Time has passed and this is what I know to be true.   It hit me, how desperate you were to be loved.  I don't know what your marriage was like, but it obviously wasn't enough. How much you must have needed to feel wanted and understood by someone, even someone else's husband. He told you we were going through a divorce (although you heard these words long before I did), and you used those words to justify what you were doing.  What you took part in hurt me and my children more than you will ever know.  

I have been there.  Wanting to feel supported, encouraged, loved, as if I mattered. I looked to all the wrong things and people as well,  You go around telling people what a horrible person I am, and how I've wronged you, and I bet you think I do the same.  But here is the truth...

I don't believe you are an awful person; I think you are a sinner.  

JUST. Like. ME.

I struggle at times with wanting to hate you, wanting to be bitter, and wanting justice for my name as you both drag it through the mud.  Then I remember that Jesus hung on a cross and died for every single sin either of us has and will ever commit. 

I know that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  So, how can I not show mercy when I am given so much?  We have all suffered dramatically because of our sin and yet God allowed these things to happen.  

He has a plan and a purpose for our lives, and while this part of the journey was tough to walk through, I trust His word is real.  I believe that he used everything and is using everything I went through for my good because I love Him. 

I serve a sovereign God.  Nothing happens, not one single thing, that doesn't first pass His loving hands.  So, it's hard, but I trust that all of this was for the best, was for His glory.  

I see His goodness.  His faithfulness. I see it when I look into my children's eyes, that despite the absence of their father continue to grow, love, smile, and move forward.  I see it in my new husband's eyes. The way that he loves God and loves me.  The way he looks at me like no other woman exists.  The way I trust him to protect my heart.  

You need to know that I pray for you (and not in the typical Southern "I'll be praying for you" way).  For the hole in your heart.  The one you fill with approval from others.  The one you try to fill with booze and a "good time".  The one you tried to fill with my husband.  That hole can only be filled and satisfied by God.

I pray that you both will be given wisdom to choose and honor God as much as His grace allows. I pray for God to open your eyes to the beauty and eternal commitment of marriage and that you will be blessed with a beautiful marriage of your own.  

I want you to know that you are loved.  You are loved by God who will never mistreat you, never abandon you, and never break your heart.  The choices you've made have caused so much pain and I am sorry you're hurting.  You had to be to have cared so little about ours. I have lived through bad decisions and their consequences, so I know how that feels.  

You will never be my friend.  I will never see you and not remember what the two of you did to my heart and my children's hearts. But....

You are not hated by me.  I don't blame you.  I forgive you.

I chose to base my feelings on what Christ did for me and what His word tells me is true. 

"but God showed his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us"

~Romans 5:8

"A new commandment I give you that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.  By this, all people will know that you are my disciples if you have a love for one another."

~John 13:34-35

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive yours." 

~Matthew 6:14-15

P.S. This post is not addressed to any one person. It is a completion of all the many times I experienced betrayal at the hands of someone I thought loved me. 

God Hates Divorce?

 

I spent my entire childhood listening to adults in church discuss marriage. I knew it was not something to take lightly. As an adult,  I read books about Christian marriage.  I went to Bible Studies, and listen to marriage preached about in church.  I heard things like:

Malichi 2:16 quoted “For I hate divorce!’ says the Lord, God of Isreal.”

Marriage is about making you holy, not happy.

I was told that a good Christian wife loved unconditionally and forgave often.

That a good wife prays for her husband and endures difficult times because it is God’s job to change man’s heart. 

That if I leave it was because I didn’t try hard enough.

That the person who files for divorce is the one that is to blame.

That God will heal my marriage if I pray hard enough…trust enough.

Divorce will destroy your children.

When I did try to talk to others about how difficult things were I was told to pray for my husband, and I did A LOT. But because of all the messages, I was fed about marriage and divorce, I spent a good portion of my first marriage, heaping guilt and condemnation on myself because it was sinful, I was sinful for even thinking about leaving my husband.  

If you take a closer look at Malichi and the context of verse 16, you understand what God was trying to say.   Malachi 2:13-16 says, 

“This is another thing you do: you cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with [your own] weeping and sighing, because the Lord no longer regards your offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. But you say, “Why [does He reject it]?” Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously. Yet she is your marriage companion and the wife of your covenant [made by your vows]. But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit. And what did that one do while seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth. “For I hate [a]divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with wrong and violence,” says the Lord of hosts. “Therefore keep watch on your spirit, so that you do not deal treacherously [with your wife].”

This was written during a time when men, mostly leaders, were divorcing their wives with no cause.  Back then, women were pretty much done if their husband’s divorced them. So, God wasn’t saying “I hate divorce” to address abused women in order to motivate her to buck it up or to shame her into staying in an emotionally abusing marriage.  He was actually addressing the men who were throwing away wives and telling them that what they were doing was wrong and that He despised it. The NIV says it this way, 

“The man who hates and divorces his wife, ‘ says the Lord,  the God of Isreal, ‘does violence to the one he should protect, says the Lord Almighty”

God hates divorce, not because it breaks His law, His reason is much more intimate.   God hates divorce because, at the root, He knows that divorce deeply wounds and attempts to destroy His precious Beloved. Divorce endeavors to steal, kill and destroy God’s creation.  Nothing will ever compare to the pain that you feel when a spouse who said “I Do” suddenly decides “I don’t”.  

Please hear me when I say God, and I, are not proponents of every woman just up and leaving her marriage for any reason.  But I believe 100% that God hates abuse of every kind.  Especially in the holy bond of marriage.  And if the husband refuses to get help, God does not expect or want his daughters to endure any kind of abuse. 

I know how hard I tried to save my marriage.  I know how hard I prayed for my spouse.   I know how I chose forgiveness over and over again.  I doubted myself continually.  I questioned myself for years. I wondered what I was doing wrong that made him so unhappy, upset, unempathetic. What was I doing wrong?   Why wasn’t he happy?   Was I too picky?  Did I expect too much?   Why was I so sensitive?  The questions went on and on.  I made excuses for him.  I lied to others about him/us so no one thought badly of him.   I know how much I began to hate myself.   How much I began to feel worthless, unlovable, and unworthy.   I know how much I began to hate myself and hate my life.

Until one day, after LOTS of prayer, and cried out to God. How much was enough? That night in a dream, as clear as can be, God gave me an answer.  It was time to walk away.  I woke up with the most overwhelming sense of peace.  That began the difficult journey of walking through divorce.  It was a healing process. I felt guilt and shame at times.   Sometimes from others, and sometimes brought on by myself.   I endured pain and rejection from people within the church.  I had to come to terms with knowing that the only, and I mean ONLY opinion that mattered was God’s.  No one except God knew what I had been through.   The pain. The prayers, the pleading for God to change HIm.   But ultimately my spouse is a human with free will and he chose not to change, not to see the damage he was doing.   But God had so much more for me and it was time for me to live out the purposes that God had for me. 

All throughout scripture, God’s heart is towards the vulnerable and hurting.   He is full of grace and mercy.   He refers to Himself as a strong tower, a might fortress, our refuge, and help in times of trouble.   

Proverbs 6:16-19 addresses seven things the Lord hates, and for some women, including me, that is a description of a great deal of my marriage. God’s intention for marriage is that it reflects His relationship with the church. There is love and mutual care.  Violence, unnecessary harsh words, lying,  and wickedness have no place in a marriage. 

I mentioned the book Sacred Marriage earlier.  In it, the author Gary Thomas presents the idea that marriage is about your holiness, not your happiness. I was told that over and over when I sought counsel from others about marriage.   Yet again making me feel guilt and shame.  Recently, Gary Thomas wrote a blog post titled Enough is Enough. In it he says, 

Enough is enough!”  Enough of women suffering untold abuse in the name of keeping a marriage together! Enough of the church valuing an institution over a person! Enough of women sacrificing their God-given purpose for a man who doesn’t value them! Enough of the shame and guilt, and condemnation being heaped upon women for walking away from abusive marriages!

It is time the church recognizes divorce is caused by sin, but divorce is not always sinful”

Former slave Frederick Douglass once said, “I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs.”  I can relate to what he said in so many ways.   I prayed more times than I could ever count for God to change my marriage.   But God can’t change an unwilling heart. What I came to realize is that in a healthy marriage, two individuals must sacrifice to make the marriage safe, loving, and respectful.  When only one person continues doing that, it needs to be addressed.   If nothing changes, it may be time to get out.  

I stand here on the other side of divorce.   It was hard.  I had to put in lots of hard work to heal myself.  To remind myself that I am who God says I am...

Worthy

Loved

Accepted

Forgiven

Redeemed

His Daughter 

A Masterpiece

Saved 

Royal 

Chosen 

Joyful 

Found 

Kind

A Conquerer

Heard

Cared For 

Confident 

Free

Holy

God never wanted His children to suffer.  People matter.   You matter.   If you are a woman (or man), struggling with being in an abusive marriage hear me..

He sees you

He loves you

He never meant for you to suffer 

You are important

You are loved beyond your wildest dreams

He has a plan and a purpose for you, 

That is for hope and to prosper you!

Trust HIm

Cling to Him

Put your trust and confidence in HIm!