I spent my entire childhood listening to adults in church discuss marriage. I knew it was not something to take lightly. As an adult, I read books about Christian marriage. I went to Bible Studies, and listen to marriage preached about in church. I heard things like:
Malichi 2:16 quoted “For I hate divorce!’ says the Lord, God of Isreal.”
Marriage is about making you holy, not happy.
I was told that a good Christian wife loved unconditionally and forgave often.
That a good wife prays for her husband and endures difficult times because it is God’s job to change man’s heart.
That if I leave it was because I didn’t try hard enough.
That the person who files for divorce is the one that is to blame.
That God will heal my marriage if I pray hard enough…trust enough.
Divorce will destroy your children.
When I did try to talk to others about how difficult things were I was told to pray for my husband, and I did A LOT. But because of all the messages, I was fed about marriage and divorce, I spent a good portion of my first marriage, heaping guilt and condemnation on myself because it was sinful, I was sinful for even thinking about leaving my husband.
If you take a closer look at Malichi and the context of verse 16, you understand what God was trying to say. Malachi 2:13-16 says,
“This is another thing you do: you cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with [your own] weeping and sighing, because the Lord no longer regards your offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. But you say, “Why [does He reject it]?” Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously. Yet she is your marriage companion and the wife of your covenant [made by your vows]. But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit. And what did that one do while seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth. “For I hate [a]divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with wrong and violence,” says the Lord of hosts. “Therefore keep watch on your spirit, so that you do not deal treacherously [with your wife].”
This was written during a time when men, mostly leaders, were divorcing their wives with no cause. Back then, women were pretty much done if their husband’s divorced them. So, God wasn’t saying “I hate divorce” to address abused women in order to motivate her to buck it up or to shame her into staying in an emotionally abusing marriage. He was actually addressing the men who were throwing away wives and telling them that what they were doing was wrong and that He despised it. The NIV says it this way,
“The man who hates and divorces his wife, ‘ says the Lord, the God of Isreal, ‘does violence to the one he should protect, says the Lord Almighty”
God hates divorce, not because it breaks His law, His reason is much more intimate. God hates divorce because, at the root, He knows that divorce deeply wounds and attempts to destroy His precious Beloved. Divorce endeavors to steal, kill and destroy God’s creation. Nothing will ever compare to the pain that you feel when a spouse who said “I Do” suddenly decides “I don’t”.
Please hear me when I say God, and I, are not proponents of every woman just up and leaving her marriage for any reason. But I believe 100% that God hates abuse of every kind. Especially in the holy bond of marriage. And if the husband refuses to get help, God does not expect or want his daughters to endure any kind of abuse.
I know how hard I tried to save my marriage. I know how hard I prayed for my spouse. I know how I chose forgiveness over and over again. I doubted myself continually. I questioned myself for years. I wondered what I was doing wrong that made him so unhappy, upset, unempathetic. What was I doing wrong? Why wasn’t he happy? Was I too picky? Did I expect too much? Why was I so sensitive? The questions went on and on. I made excuses for him. I lied to others about him/us so no one thought badly of him. I know how much I began to hate myself. How much I began to feel worthless, unlovable, and unworthy. I know how much I began to hate myself and hate my life.
Until one day, after LOTS of prayer, and cried out to God. How much was enough? That night in a dream, as clear as can be, God gave me an answer. It was time to walk away. I woke up with the most overwhelming sense of peace. That began the difficult journey of walking through divorce. It was a healing process. I felt guilt and shame at times. Sometimes from others, and sometimes brought on by myself. I endured pain and rejection from people within the church. I had to come to terms with knowing that the only, and I mean ONLY opinion that mattered was God’s. No one except God knew what I had been through. The pain. The prayers, the pleading for God to change HIm. But ultimately my spouse is a human with free will and he chose not to change, not to see the damage he was doing. But God had so much more for me and it was time for me to live out the purposes that God had for me.
All throughout scripture, God’s heart is towards the vulnerable and hurting. He is full of grace and mercy. He refers to Himself as a strong tower, a might fortress, our refuge, and help in times of trouble.
Proverbs 6:16-19 addresses seven things the Lord hates, and for some women, including me, that is a description of a great deal of my marriage. God’s intention for marriage is that it reflects His relationship with the church. There is love and mutual care. Violence, unnecessary harsh words, lying, and wickedness have no place in a marriage.
I mentioned the book Sacred Marriage earlier. In it, the author Gary Thomas presents the idea that marriage is about your holiness, not your happiness. I was told that over and over when I sought counsel from others about marriage. Yet again making me feel guilt and shame. Recently, Gary Thomas wrote a blog post titled Enough is Enough. In it he says,
Former slave Frederick Douglass once said, “I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs.” I can relate to what he said in so many ways. I prayed more times than I could ever count for God to change my marriage. But God can’t change an unwilling heart. What I came to realize is that in a healthy marriage, two individuals must sacrifice to make the marriage safe, loving, and respectful. When only one person continues doing that, it needs to be addressed. If nothing changes, it may be time to get out.
I stand here on the other side of divorce. It was hard. I had to put in lots of hard work to heal myself. To remind myself that I am who God says I am...
Worthy
Loved
Accepted
Forgiven
Redeemed
His Daughter
A Masterpiece
Saved
Royal
Chosen
Joyful
Found
Kind
A Conquerer
Heard
Cared For
Confident
Free
Holy
God never wanted His children to suffer. People matter. You matter. If you are a woman (or man), struggling with being in an abusive marriage hear me..
He sees you
He loves you
He never meant for you to suffer
You are important
You are loved beyond your wildest dreams
He has a plan and a purpose for you,
That is for hope and to prosper you!
Trust HIm
Cling to Him
Put your trust and confidence in HIm!
