The Day I Chose Forgaveness

 

I decided to forgive you. Not because you apologized, or because you acknowledged the pain that you caused me, but because my soul deserves peace!

Lies, Deception, Cheating, you name it I lived it. Hurt and anger told me that I should do everything in my power to protect my name. To make him pay for what he'd done without regard for what it would do to me and our family. Maybe choking them would make me feel better. 

How do you leave your past behind and forgive all the hurt inside? It really came down to this...

Would I rather be right, or would I rather be free?

Those words haunted me as I sat drowning in my pain. Trying to reconcile how a person could so coldly lie and cheat without any regard for another person, especially. one they vowed before God to protect. 

As time passed I began to realize that I had a choice. I realized that acting on my emotions would only create more chaos and drama in my life. I hate drama. I was emotionally tired and honestly, I was just done letting him and what he did take up that much space in my life. I wanted to be free from all of it.

I knew that there was only one thing I could do... I needed to forgive him. I knew that it was probably going to be the hardest thing I had ever done, but I also realized I had to do it.  I had to do it for my mental health. For my kids. For my future. 

Trust me, it did not happen immediately. But that day the seed was planted. For a while, there was part of me that still wanted revenge. I wanted him to suffer.  I wanted him to pay for all the hurt he had caused me and my kids. 

But the other part of me...the other part wanted freedom.  I wanted to be free.  Free from the pain. Free from the uncertainty. Free from the memories I began to question in my head. Free from the shackles that were holding me in this awful place. Free so I could have a beautiful future someday. 

What a raw deal I had been dealt.  What crappy circumstances. My marriage was over. 29 years...29 years! Was it all a lie? I could no longer live the lies, but that meant I had to move on without him. I had to face the uncertainty of what life would be like on my own. 

Hating him wouldn't change anything. Explaining my side wouldn't turn back time and change the past. Resenting him did nothing but keep me miserable. As far as I could tell, he didn't care if I was miserable or happy.  He sure as hell believed he was justified in what he did. So, I had to choose...

It took time for me to forgive him. He never asked for my forgiveness, and quite honestly, I doubt he ever will. I didn't need him to ask, I just did it. One day I was driving past a place that reminded me of him, I stopped and I just did it. I had screamed so many times before how much I hated him, but this day was different. I sat there in silence as I thought to myself, "I am done hating you. Honestly, I feel sort of sorry for you. And I forgive you!"

I spent hours praying and reading my Bible over the next month. Listening to worship music and messages on forgiveness, I asked God to drench me with His perspective and give me His assurance.

It was easier than I thought. Were there times I found myself thinking of him and would find myself slipping backward towards bitterness for what had happened? More times than I would like to admit. But when those feelings rose up in me I simply reminded myself that was something I no longer wanted to hold on to. 

What I soon began to realize was that it was not all bad, even if it ended badly. He taught me so much about myself and about life. I can't regret a single day.  If I did I would be regretting the person I am today. All of it, the good the bad,, the happy, and the excruciatingly hard. All of it helps to shape the person I am today. 

After all that I also learned a whole lot about forgiveness. 

Forgiveness is a choice to let go of resentment.

It meant choosing to let go of bitterness and hate.

It meant loving myself enough to accept what had happened.

It meant letting go of the future I thought I was going to have. 

It meant taking back control of my power.

It meant being compassionate with myself. 

It meant less anxiety and more joy,

It meant less Hostility and more love!

It meant a person who cared so little for me no longer had power over my life. 

It meant I was FREE!

Forgiveness is a choice. It will never excuse what the other person did. But, it will free you from the anger, bitterness, and resentment that will tear you apart.

"For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly father will also forgive you." ~Matthew 6:14

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with malice" ~ Ephesians 4:31

How can God Just do Nothing?

 How can God Just do Nothing?

At times I have struggled with the question, "How can God jsut to nothing?"

Sometimes the pain I have felt was so enormous and so deep.  The ache is my faith is real. It shakes me to the core. I have been hurt deeply by life's circumstances, by the choices of others, and by my own bad choices.  I believe that God is all powerful.  I believe He can intervene in ways we could not imagine, but if all that is true, why doesn't he at times?

It's easy to get disillusioned. To look at circumstances from your own vantage point and see someone doihg whatever they want without regard for others, with no apparent intervention from God at all. 

2019-2020 were har5d.  I suffered some excruciating loss and pain that was not within my control.  I struggled to take each breath. I sat and watch my dad die. I was told I was wrong for taking the time to care for him as he took his last breaths. I watched. someone I love turn hi8s back on me and my children. Choosing to  throw 30 years of our life away. I was facing a level of anxiety I had never experienced in my entire life. 

And all the time, it appeared God was absent. Just sitting there and letting it all happen. It was eay to assume God was doing nothing. 

But hear me friend... we do NOT serve a do-nothing God. He is ALWAYS working!

God is always doing something. We may never get to see it on this side of eternity, but trust me He is working. Even in our most painful experiences. 

We need to look back to all the times He has worked in our lives be a reminder of His faithfulness in our current story. God IS still at work in others even when we don't see it. 

Sin itself contains punishment built in. It's a trap with vicious teeth that dig so deeply into the soul. Once you are free from its trap you are compelled to warn others and beg that they do not allow themselves to get caught in the same kind of nightmare you endured. 

Sin always masquerades as fun and games. But when the curtain is pulled back from the deceived human heart, what you find there will drop you to your knees to pray for that person.  That is the very reason God instructs us to pray for our enemies. 

Job 15:20 reminds us, "The wicked man writes in pain all his days." (ESV), and Psalm 44:15 says, "All day long me dishonor is before me and my humiliation has overwhelmed me" (NASB)

Remember that no matter how good someone makes sinful choices seem, that isn't the complete story. God sees the whole truth. And sometimes God isn't just trying to change a behavior, He's trying to rescue a soul. 

There is NEVER a moment that God is doing nothing. 

The heartbreak I carry at times feel enormous. But He knows exactly what I need to happen in every detail of my story. Don't miss the tenderness in what 1 Peter 5:7 (AMP)

We don't serve a do-nothing God. 

"...casting all your cares [all your anxieties, all your worries, and all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares about you [with deepest affection, and watches over very carefully]. 

His Heart Broke

 

His Heart Broke 

"As they approched the village gate they met a funeral procession. A woman's only son was being carried out for burial. And the mother was a widow. When Jesus saw her, his heart broke. He said to her, 'don't cry.'"

~Luke 7:12-13

Did you catch that? Jesus, the creator and sustainer of the Universe, His heart broke. He saw the woman who was no doubt in the greatest kind of grief a human can experience. It is so easy to hear this story and think, that's sweet. What a compassionate guy to care for a widow hurting woman. 

But friends, I want to remind you, these verses show how Jesus feels about you too!

It's not just a nice thought. You need to know this:

When you were belittled and hurt by someone's words or actions...He saw you! And it broke His heart!

When you felt left out and wondered if you even had a place in this world... He ached with you!

When you internalized the lies that had been spoken over you and started to believe the lies of Satan... Jesus in His compassion was whispering in your ear His truth to you. Because He cares deeply for you!

Every ounce of suffering you have endured impacted Jesus' heart too! In the little hurt and in the greatest sorrows, Jesus saw you and He still sees you! And when you hurt... it breaks His heart! Not because He feels helpless. He is absolutely not helpless.  But it's because He loves you SO much!

It breaks His heart to watch his child hurt. Don't ever forget that when you are struggling. You have an all-powerful God who can redeem anything in your life, but who also feels with you and for you.

You are NEVER heart broken alone! 

Jesus' heart breaks too!