As I sit back and reflect on my journey over the last decade there is one thing that see as a common thread sewn throughout that time. I look back on where I was and where God has taken me and see the faithfulness of God. Time after time God has spoken to me. Many times those promises were things that often looked impossible and at time those around me questioned my unwavering faith. Holding on to God will give you a peace about your circumstances that others may not understand. Isaiah 26:3-4 says, "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal." (NIV).
Sometimes we can be such impatient people. When God promises us something we pray, we trust God to follow through on those promises, but how many of us are willing to wait no matter how long it takes? We often loose heart, loose faith and let go of the promises God gives us. Often we try to put God in our box, expecting him to work out our plan in our time. I contend that God will never fit in our box, and His timing is always better than our timing.
I would like to share one specific time in my life where God's timing wasn't my timing, the journey to see his promises fulfilled in my life was anything but easy, but in trusting in God I was able to experience that perfect peace that passes all understanding. The peace that God promises will guard your heart and mind, (Philippians 4:7).
This story starts in August of 1998. Shortly after moving to Guam, Shawn and I decided that it was time to add to our family. Due to the birth control I was using at the time it was almost a year before we actually started trying. I cannot say at this point in the journey God had promised me anything, I was not listening to God at this point in my life. Through the process of hoping and praying for a baby, I began to seek God, purely for selfish reasons. I wanted His help. As I began to seek God in my heartache over not being able to get pregnant, He began to speak to me. Drawing me closer to Him, reminding me of all the things I'd been taught as a child growing up in church. I knew God wanted so much more from than what I had been giving him. In February of 2000, my parents were in Guam visiting and towards the end of the trip after several occasions were I had been sick and nauseous, my mom suggested that I may be pregnant. Knowing my body and my cycles, I informed her there was no way. To put my mind at ease I took a pregnancy test that I had at home. To my shock it was positive. I was spotting at the time so I immediately knew that something wasn't right. That afternoon I was able to get into the doctor who informed me that he was sure I was miscarrying and they would do some blood work to confirm it. The following week after several rounds of blood work, It was determined that I had an ectopic pregnancy that was growing on my ovary. After considering my options I chose to undergo methotrexate treatments. The following weeks after the treatments left me drained emotionally and physically. I was depressed and angry with God. I was at a point in my life that I felt anything but close to God, anything but "a friend of God"; honestly I felt a little more like I was his enemy. Why was I going through all this? Shortly after this on Easter morning I finally came to grips with my life, with where I was going and what I was missing. It was at that point that I fully and totally surrendered my life to God. (see http://hisbeauty4myashes.blogspot.com/2011/04/easter-to-remember.html).
We continued to do all we could to have another child, but ultimately I had to trust God. God spoke to Shawn and I both promising that we would have another child. Throughout the next 3 years we endured the loss of two more babies and continued to pour out our hearts to God. There were time that everyone around us questioned if we were hanging on to a dream that may never come true. There were those who told us that we might want to explore the road to adoption to expand our family. Adoption is an amazing thing and one that we talked and prayed about, but ultimately it we still felt God telling us to hold on, have faith and trust in the promise and dream of a new child. Walking this road showed me simply that, Faith isn't faith until it is the only thing you have to hold onto. Shawn and I continued to stand on Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." (NLT)
God is faithful, he gives us strength to go on even when we think we can't, he takes are pain and gives us joy, best of all he uses the hard times to build our faith, speak to those around us and ultimately show his glory through our lives. Levi Nathaniel was born on February 28th. He taught me more about faith and trust in God before he ever made is debut on this Earth. He has brought me to tears, made me laugh and smile when the whole world around me seemed to be falling apart and is a constant reminder to me that my God is a God who loves me, cares for me and even when I don't understand his plans, they are far greater and better than mine. His timing is always perfect!
"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings." ~Psalm 61:1-4
