Miracles in the Messes

Life is messy, there is no doubt about that.  June 13, 1992 Shawn and I stood in front of God and all of our friends and family and promised to stand by one another in good times and in bad.  We promised to one another that divorce was never an option.  Well, over the last 25 years, we have seen more than our share of good times, and encountered some difficulty along the way.  Some messes were out of our hands, and some messes we created on our own. 

This August Shawn and I faced one of the most difficult times we have ever faced as a couple.  The details of how we got there are not important, but the reality was were not living together as husband and wife; although living under the same roof we were not even sleeping on the same floor of the house. 

At the beginning I was so consumed with what was going on, and what was going to happen.  I kept asking a friend, what if we don’t make it.  A very good and Godly friend asked me, “What if you guys don’t make it Renee?”  Although I did not realize it in the moment, this question became a pivotal question that would set my heart to ponder.  Even if the world around me was falling apart, did I trust God?  See, I am (was) by definition a text book control freak.  I had this deep seeded need to control every aspect of my life, that often felt as if were unraveling, from falling apart.  The best way to describe it is that I often felt like I was carrying a load of laundry down the stairs that was way too big to hold and constantly trying to make sure I was not dropping socks and shirts along the way. 

After MUCH prayer, crying and begging God to reveal the Truth to me, I came to realize that for many reasons, my heart was guarded and I had a hard time trusting.  I never fully trusted anyone, not even Shawn and not even God.  I doubted every compliment, I questioned people’s sincerity when they said nice things.  I didn’t find myself worthy of being loved and therefore I didn’t understand why anyone else would love me either.  Sometimes the deep wounds and scars that people carry are invisible to others.  I guess I did an expert job of hiding the mental torment I sometimes suffered.  At times, I think I even fooled myself. 

I decided to start from the foundation.  I cried out to God and begin to search for all the many things His Word says about me.  One by one I studied them, wrote in my journal and prayed His Word over my life.  I began to study the many aspects of love listed in 2 Corinthians 13:4-7

“⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

One by one I studied what they meant, how they related to God’s love for me and what that meant as far as my loving Shawn and others.  As God began to heal my heart, I still felt like as it related to Shawn and I, I was in this dark cave and could not see the light.  I knew the answers were not mine, and that God knew the end of the story, so I had to learn to trust Him, not just a little but really trust Him.  Every time I would begin to lose hope, God would show me little miracles within the mess I was living.  By this time I had also changed my thinking.  In August I prayed to God to help Shawn and I get back to the way things were, but that prayer quickly changed.  I did not want things to go back to the way they were.  That was what led us to the place were.  I was not okay with that, my prayer changed to, “God help us to fall in love in a new way.  Help us to build a new relationship that is strong, firm and steadfast.  A relationship better than anything I could even begin to imagine.”

The beginning of October, Shawn and I decided we were going to work through things and he moved back upstairs into our bedroom.  It was a huge step, but a baby one all at the same time.  Every time I felt like we were talking steps forward, something would happen and I would feel like we were no further ahead than we were before.  In December Shawn had the two weeks of my break off and we had a wonderful time.  By the New Year I was starting to feel like maybe we were finally making progress.  As I would soon find out, Shawn was not in the same place I was and once again I would feel like the carpet was being ripped from underneath me.  Shawn had not been to church in over 6 months at this point (except for Christmas Ever), and even though I would ask, he would not come.  After a talk one night I asked him again if he would go to counseling and he agreed.  I called the very next day to our church to make an appointment.  It was another one of those miracles in the messes that God gave me. 

After a few weeks of counseling Shawn joined us at church one Saturday evening.  (Another miracle in the mess).  I knew it was just a step, but one I had fervently prayed for, for months.  As the weeks progressed Shawn and I worked, (and I mean worked), through all the junk we had ignored for so long.  We learned to communicate with one another and drop our defenses.  We took time to get to know one another again and fell back in love in a new way. 

As I sit here today, we are celebrating our 25^th Anniversary.  Not just monumental by number but by what it represent to us.  The process of refining silver is interesting.

Most of the Bible references are to the refining of silver (Proverbs 25:4 Zechariah 13:9 Isaiah 48:10). The silver used by the ancients was probably obtained by smelting lead sulfide ore, rich in silver. After the ore had been reduced to a metallic condition, the lead was separated from the silver by blowing hot air over the surface of the melted metal. The lead was thus changed to lead oxide which, in a powdered condition, was driven away by the air blast. The resulting lead oxide, called in the Bible silver dross, was used for glazing pottery (Proverbs 26:23), a use to which it is still put by Syrian potters. The description of refining in Ezekiel 22:18-22 may indicate that a flux (compare "as with lye," Isaiah 1:25 the American Revised Version margin) was sometimes added to the melted metal to dissolve the oxides of copper, lead, tin and iron as they formed, thus leaving the silver pure. Crude processes similar to those described above are used in the Taurus Mountains today.

Figurative:

In the various Bible references the refining of precious metals is used figuratively to illustrate the kind of trial God's children are called upon to go through. If they are of the right metal the dross will finally be blown away, leaving pure, clear, shining silver. If of base metal they will be like the dross described in Jeremiah 6:29, 30. The refiner may blow fiercely, but in vain, for nothing but lead dross appears.

As we celebrate our silver anniversary, we are strong because of the trials we have face, this last year just being one of several.  As we come out of the refiners fire, and all the dross is blown away, there we are shining like silver.  God promises to never leave you or forsake you and He is always faithful.  I have learned that I can trust Him and His Word 100%, 100% of the time.  Thank you Father for your promises. “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the LORD your God.” (Isaiah 43:2).

Loving & Steadfast

At the beginning of the year I asked God to give me a word for 2017.  He actually gave me two…Loving & Steadfast.

Loving, that is a nice word.  I can wrap my little brain around that one.  Shawn and I were going through a very rough patch in our marriage.  We had been separated for a few months at the beginning of the school year and were trying to work things out.  We were still so far apart, but I when it first happened God spoke to me that I would never be able to fully receive or give love until I fully understood how much He loved me.  I spent weeks studying what God’s Word says about His love for me while Shawn & I were separated.  I prayed for God to bring me to a full realization of what those things meant, and to really “grasp how wide and long and high and deep” His love for me was.  By January, God had done a huge transformation in me.  Not only did I feel His love and presence in a way I had never felt before, but all the pain and scars that kept me from fully feeling it up until that point began to melt away.  So, in January when God spoke the word love into my heart and showed me it was time for me to really start letting others love me and love other the way He wanted me to love them, I thought YEAH God…I can do that.

The thing was there was this other word….Steadfast.  Not only did He speak that word, He gave me a verse, 1 Peter 5:10:

“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.  To Him be the glory for ever and ever. Amen”

I looked up the meaning of the words strong, firm and steadfast in order to better understand what God was trying to tell me. 

Strong- able to withstand great force or pressure

Firm- in a resolute and determined manner

Steadfast- resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering; loyal, faithful, committed, reliable, steady, solid, uncompromising, determined

The big question was is that me?  When I sat down and got honest before God, steadfast was not a word I would use to describe me.  I was passionate…I was often unpredictable….I was emotional and impulsive.  Steadfast….not me in many ways.  I began to seek God and pray, asking Him to show me what that meant in my life.  Asking Him to help me become that woman.  You know, that one who doesn’t lose her top every time someone bumps into her happy.  The one that extend grace to others.  The one who is reliable, steady and unwavering.  The one I was pretending to be on the outside when inside I was scrambling to keep it all together. 

For almost 6 months now I have focused at least 3 days of my weekly devotional time on what it means to be steadfast, and how that related to the changes God wanted for me.  I picked up a devotional by Lysa Terkeurst, Unglued Devotional. I’ve studied it, I have prayed it over my life, I have copied scripture after scripture and memorized several. 

Today again I was brought back to 1 Peter 5:10.  Strong, Firm and Steadfast.  Only today those words didn’t bring the same unsettled and anxious feelings they did 6 months ago.  Because….

I am Strong!

I am Firm!

I am Steadfast!

For all of you want a little update on Shawn and I, that story is for a different blog, but I will tell you that God is a miracle worker.  He gave me many Miracles in the Mess we were walking through and just as God promised in Isaiah 43:2, 
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the LORD your God.”