Step two in my journey was letting go of guilt.
The other freeing thing that jumped out of the pages of the book was the reassurance that making that choice to file for divorce was not a burden, riddled with shame that I needed to carry. Part of my journey to the day I filed was a two week getaway to rural Mississippi. Two weeks surrounded by the unconditional love of my best friend, Godly counsel, lots of time on a porch swing with Jesus, and a little more time with Jesus while soaking in the sun in the pool.
It was while on that trip that I cried out to Jesus in my pain. Asked for answers. Pleaded for wisdom to do the right thing. It was there that I felt at peace with the decision I was about to make. The decision to cause my children incredible pain. The decision to end a marriage. To break up a marriage. A decision that 100% without a doubt I knew God had given me peace about. Yet, a decision that none the less would be hard. Would cause tears. A decision that some would not understand. And a decision that some people would judge me by and would cause me to lose people I thought were friends.
What I did know is I was 100% surrounded by God's love and His promise to never leave me or forsake me. The peace that as I walked through this journey He would take care of me. Of Ashley and Levi. That there was still happiness for me to find. That all He asked of me was to stay right in the middle of His presence. Keep listening to His voice. And obey.
One of the next things I came across in reading "Forgiving What you Can't Forget" spoke straight to the voice of the Enemy that kept telling me I was not acting in God's will. That I should have tried harder.
Lysa goes on to say, "Reunion or reconciliation requires two people who are willing to do the hard work to come back together. Redemption is just between you and God. God can redeem your life, even if damaged human relationships don't come back together.
And you and I can forgive, even if the relationship never gets restored. It's so incredibly freeing to forgive and not to have to wait on the other people who may or may not ever want to or be willing to talk all of this through. Forgiveness isn't always about doing something for a human relationship but rather about being obedient to what God has instructed us to do."
There were two people in this situation I needed to forgive. First, I needed to forgive myself. Forgive myself for the mistakes and shortcomings that I had that contributed to the place we found ourselves in. And second, I needed to forgive him. Forgive him to hurtful words. Forgive him for not fighting for us. Forgive him for resenting the time I spent away from our family when my dad died. Forgive him for not being there for me at my darkest hour. Forgive him for his unwillingness to try to fix things. I felt like I was swimming in a sea of hurt, but every time I chose to forgive him, the less I hurt.
I found that as I followed Jesus in obedience and began to forgive, I felt freer than I had ever felt. I began to feel a new pep to my step. I began to smile again. Not to say there were not times I cried (and still do), but my sadness is overwhelmed with anger and resentment anymore.
As I prayed, and prayed, and prayed for God to help me through this process, I also asked Him to give me eyes to see others, especially those who've hurt me through His eyes. And he did just that. As I forgave, I also on a deeper level began to feel sorry in a way for him. Sorry that he grew up in a broken home and didn't have an example of a forever, through thick and thin kind of love. Sorry that his example of love was so entirely different than mine based on the experiences we had growing up. Sorry that he chose to turn to alcohol and other vices instead of turning to Jesus. Sorry that he was losing his family and pushing away his kids. Sorry that no matter what he tried to portray to others, he so evidently was being tortured inside,
The next thing that happened was I felt I not only needed to forgive, but I also needed to be forgiven. In the beginning, I focused too much on apologizing to him. Trying to get him to understand where was I was coming from. Ask for his forgiveness for the things I did to hurt him. For selfishness. For pride. For making decisions that so gravely affected both him and our children.
But the thing I realized was that there were two innocent people who I needed forgiveness for. My children. I won't go into details to respect their privacy, but I will tell you that it was humbling to ask for forgiveness from them both. I asked for forgiveness for the things I had done, but I also apologized for the way their parents' toxic relationship affected them. For tolerating things I never should have, For not seeing clearly sooner. For things, I didn't directly do but things they were hurt by nonetheless.
I will tell you, this has not been easy. It's sometimes a daily struggle to forgive someone who doesn't seem to think they are in need of forgiveness. I am sure this is a journey that even when I think I "made it" though I will revisit from time to time.
But for now, my journey continues. And I will keep plugging along and I hope you will too. I've only shared with you through chapter 1 and there is 14 in the book 😊😊
No comments:
Post a Comment