My Moving on & Forgiveness Journey Part 1

I will admit, 47 and divorced was never how I envisioned my life.  

It wasn't something I wanted.  It wasn't something I chose.  I was raised that marriage was sacred, that vows meant something, that love was messy and hard, but you fought for it, and you didn't give up on it.

Walking this journey has brought me closer to God and taught me a million and one different lessons.   The hardest of these lessons has been forgiveness.  And if I am 100% honest with you, I am still learning.   

I recently started a Bible Study by Lysa TerKeurst called "Forgiving What You Can't Forget".   I am only 2 chapters in.   And can I tell you that it has stepped into those dark places in my heart that are still a little raw.   Places that one day I hope are fertile soil again.  I am somewhere in this process.  Most days are good.  Others are much harder.  
But I wanted to share my journey with you in hopes that it helps you mend those raw places in your heart that still hurt when certain things trigger you.  Through my journey I will be sharing insight from Lysa's book that have touched me.  

I pray that if you decide to walk this journey with me it inspires you to let go of the hurt, allow God to step in and heal your pain, and chose to embrace true forgiveness.   There is a freedom that is only found when we chose (yes, it is a choice), to forgive others, especially those who have deeply wounded us. 

So, let's get started.   Here is a little of what has jumped out at me so far...

One of things I have struggled with in the journey to moving on, forgiving, and letting go, is all the memories that jump out at me.  They were on my walls, in my phone, they pop up in my Facebook memories.  Current status aside, I didn't know how to process through my guilt when they were staring me down like a constant reminder of a husband who no longer loved me, didn't want to try anymore.  Failure.  Pain. Abandonment.  Rejection.  

One night after a complete breakdown.   A conversation with my mom.  Falling asleep with worship music flooding my ears and praying and crying until I fell asleep.  I awoke with a complete, peace that only come from our Father kind of peace.   I woke up with a plan.   I clear plan before me that I knew, 100%, without a doubt was planted in my heart by Jesus.   

Among other things He spoke to me that I needed to create a space in my life free from anything that caused me anxiety.  For me that was my bedroom.   The only place I could go to be alone.  To get away from the stress and anxiety that flooded our home.  I took down pictures and replaced them with ones my my children.  I added things that made me happy (one of which was pink sheets on my bed).  

The part that I have struggled with over now that we are divorced is those things.  Pictures, Photo albums.  Momentos.  They are all filled with memories.  29 years of them.   Some were good, really good.  They are a part of who I am.  They represent happy times like the birth of my kids, vacations, 

While I found peace in my little sanctuary (my bedroom), "completely sterilizing my life from the physical presence of reminders doesn't remove the pain.  I can't edit reality to try to force healing.  I can't fake myself into being okay with what happened.  But I can decide what I do with the memories.  My life can be a graceful combination of beautiful and painful."

Those words jumped off the page and settled the battle in my mind.  The one where I felt like I couldn't smile when that photo from a family vacation popped up in my Facebook memories.  The pictures of Ashley's birth and Levi's first day of school.   It would be unfair to say after 29 years there weren't lots of thing to smile about.  I felt a ironic freedom in the idea that our story ended tragically.  That the love story I (and so many others) thought will live for eternity actually ended.  But that I could choose to hold on to both the beautiful part of it and also the painful ones.

I guess that is it for today.   Keep coming back and walking with me through the journey I am taking to process my hurt.  Learn to forgive (really forgive). And walk into the new beautiful life God has in store for me. 

Trust me, my story is far from over!