what voices do you listen to?

 

Beloved by, Jordan Feliz

Sometimes life feels utterly exhausting!

i am constantly putting expectations on myself that i would never think to put on anyone else.   i speak to myself in ways i would never talk to another human being.   i  wear myself out trying to get things done (and by get it done, i mean get it done the right way), otherwise i will beat myself up over it. 

i beat myself up all the time.  i replay negative tapes over, and over, and over again.   That is what i knew to do.  

Growing up i felt a pressure to be perfect.   i don't know that any one person put that pressure on me. i felt that pressure to be perfect because when i was "perfect" people noticed me.   When i was "perfect" no one shamed me.   Or belittled me.  Or criticized me.  When i was "perfect" no one told me i wasn't good enough.

Then i got married and it didn't stop.   The external pressure to be perfect and the voices in my head didn't go away.  

Grace, compassion, patience, acceptance, feeling love and supportive were not something i experienced on a regular basis.  Encouragement and support seemed more like things i received only if what i wanted to do, or the dream i wanted to pursue didn't interfere or impose on the lives of those around me.

Eventually, i began to feel hijacked b y all the negative voices in my head.  Satan had buried them so deep in my mind that i not only started believing the lies, i began repeating them to myself. 

NO ONE CARES

YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH

NOTHING YOU DO MATTERS

NO ONE WILL EVERY REALLY LOVE YOU....

THE LIST WENT ON AND ON!

it took a harsh wake up call to realize and show me that i wasn't meant to live that way.  i didn't need to believe all those voices swarming in and around my head.  The constant belittling, shaming, my life wasn't meant to be that way.  All the negative voices and negative talk i had heard all my life were now coming from my own mind.  There i was talking to God's beloved, His masterpiece like that.

i was directing those things at someone God himself formed with His own hands .  Someone God himself Breathed His own breath and life into.  

i would NEVER talk to someone else that way.  So, why was i talking to myself that way.

Being awaken to this set me down a journey to undo and untangle all the lies i had allowed myself to be ensnared in.  The things i began to believe, consume my thoughts at times.  And to hold my true identity captive.

My true identity.  The only one that i need to allow to nestle deep down in my mind and my soul....

i am daughter of a King

& 

i am his beloved!