I'm Not Okay

 

"Don't fret or worry, pray.  Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know all your concerns.  Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down.  It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."

Philippians 4:6-7

Every time I find out more about the abandonment and betrayal of my marriage, it hurts!  It sucks me back into a place filled with heartache, disappointment, and bitterness once again. 

Through the past few years, I have learned that part of the process of healing is allowing myself to feel the full range of emotions.  Doing that can often wipe me out.  Sometimes it even means pausing the rest of my life to grieve. 

But I have also learned that I don't have to be fully healed to keep moving forward.  I am moving forward.  I did it.  I am still doing it.  There are times I am absolutely, 100%, NOT OKAY! 

But even with grief in my heart, and heaviness weighing my chest, I can get up.  I stumble at times.  But then I get up. 

I am not okay!  I am far from it at times.  But...

I GET UP!!!

I can't do it on my own.   I could never have done it in my own strength.  Yes, I believe with all my heart that I am a strong woman.  But I don't know that anyone could have overcome what I have endured the last couple of years in their own strength.  I have had to lean on Jesus and allow Him to carry me at times.  

Jesus said in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "But my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore, I will gladly boast all the. more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties."

Quite frankly, I don't think I did a lot of "delighting" through the insults, hardships, or difficulties.  But on the other side, I most definitely can, because God showed up.   He even carried me at times I didn't think I could go on. 

Getting up never meant I was okay.  It did however mean, I knew if I leaned into Christ I would be okay.

I knew I was going to be okay because He'd done it before.  And I knew He would do it again. 

I refuse to let what someone else did the choices they made, dictate how I move forward.  

I will get up.  Even if I stumble and fall. Even if I have to cry out for strength to go on.  Even if I'm not okay.  I will get up.  I will keep getting up.  Because I believe in the promises of God.   His word says he is close to the brokenhearted and that He will never leave me or forsake me.

So even though I may not be okay today, you can rest assured that...

I will be okay!