The Knockout

 

"And I am sure that the God who began the good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in His grace until HIs task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns."

~Philippians 1:6

The knockout.   It's the worst.  IT's embarrassing. It's discouraging.  It is not fun in any way.

April 25th.  It's a day that will forever be etched in my memory.   It was the day I hit my breaking point.  My plate was full with rejection, loss and anxiety and I felt as though no one cared.  All the anxiety and pain was just too much to take and I just wanted to quit hurting.  That afternoon I swallowed approximately 25 Flexeril and Oxycontin.  I found myself laying there, looking up and knowing I had been knockout.  I had allowed the anxiety and fear to take over.  I felt utterly defeated.

The next thing I knew I remembered was waking up in an ICU room.  I was never so thankful that God had spared me.  I later found out that after being rushed to the ER, I had to resuscitated three times. The doctor's didn't know if I would wake back up and if I did what effects it would have on me.  

I was in that moment on April 27th that I was filled with overflowing gratitude that although Satan tried to knock me out permanently, Jesus Stepped in and said, "Not yet.  I'm not done with this one yet!"

"The moment that defines us is not the knocking down, but what happens while we are laying down on the ground"

Here, knocked down, laying on the ground is right where Satan wanted me.  It's where Satan would love to sneak in and start filling your mind with lies..

"You're worthless."

"You can't even get killing yourself right."

"It's never going to change or get any better."

And sure enough that was exactly what the enemy did.

Laying in that hospital bed I had a choice to make.  I could agree with all the lies the enemy was throwing at me.  Or, I could agree with God and know He's not done with me. 

There was no doubt in my mind and deep in my soul that my choice was to believe God.  

MY FIGHT WASN'T OVER!

That may have been round one and the enemy may have knocked me down.  But he didn't win and I chose to get up and keep fighting.  

I know it seems a strange thing to say, but maybe, just maybe God allowed me to get knocked down and lose that round? I made a decision that day, to fight.  To get up and keep going, even through the tears in my eyes. 

The thing I realized was I wasn't going to go through the rest of this fight alone.  If I'm waking in the Lord's plan for my life, I'm not going to lose.  This isn't even about my strength.  Each new step I will take will be a living example of God's grace.  He is the one who will lift me up and enable me to keep going.  Standing back up shows my belief that I trust HIm enough to keep going and not give up.  That I trust He will be there through all the other battles and fights I will face along the way.  

As I've navigated down this new path it has been anything but easy.  I've has to face some of my own demons.  Heal my heart, mind and soul.  Let go of the picture I had created in my mind about my future and trust God to paint a new picture.   I have lost friends.  Faced divorce and rejection.  

But in the process, I have grown exponentially closer in my walk with God.  I have learned to quiet myself and hear His voice more clearly.  Choosing Jesus' voice during this process has forever changed me into a stronger person.   I think I was always a strong person, but I think I totally forgot who I was in Christ and who He created me to be.  I've discovered my true identity in Christ.  I've come to recognize some new God given talents and abilities.  Although this brought an end to relationships, it has also allowed me to see several people that were in my life and loved me unconditionally, even when I wasn't very easy to love.  They have been there to hold me up when I couldn't do it myself.  He has replaced lost relationship with new, healthier ones.  I have learned to be ok with, and maybe even enjoy a little, the silence of being alone.  The time to sit with my thoughts.  To do something for myself and not fell guilty.  The best thing is God has given me a peace in the midst of the storm that only comes from Him.  He has filled my heart with joy and laughter that no longer depends on the circumstances around me.  

So, if I could share one thing with you.  One very important lesson that I learned walking through this very difficult battle, it's this:

When life knocks you down, and it will, 

Grab ahold of God's hand of grace, get back up, 

and don't allow this to be the end.

Because this can be your new beginning!

You are so incredibly Strong.   God is with you and He will uphold you and fill you with His endless strength.

The knockout doesn't have to be the end.  

It can be a beautiful, new beginning.

YOU get to chose!