Anniversaries

 

Today marks two life-changing events.  Two events, exactly a year apart, both filled with the kind of loss that I still have trouble putting into words at times.   I hear my counselor's words echoing in my ear...

"Greif is a process."

There are normal emotions that come with loss.   For me, it sometimes feels so much deeper.  It is not just about the loss, but the overarching fear I have battled my whole life.   The fear of being abandon.

Grief hits in strands like waves crashing on the sand.  In the beginning, the waves hit hard, then reside... only to hit hard again.   Those are the powerful kind of waves that knock you off your feet, taking your breath away from you.  

With time those waves hit less frequently and with less power.   Over time I have noticed that the waves change.   They aren't as painful as they once were.   They come further and further apart as well.  As I get further away from the grief I can feel myself healing.  Smiling more.  Enjoying life again.  I can think of those I lost and smile instead of crying.  

The part I continue to struggle with is I sometimes get caught up in listening to others share about how God is moving in their lives.  Speaking to them in dreams.   The unexplainable provision in time of need.   Clam and peace in the midst of chaos.  

And while those testimonies stir my faith, and I can also see God move that way at times, when things are difficult, and especially tough days, if I am honest, they also quietly stir doubt in me as well.  

If God loves me, why doesn't he do those things for me too?   Why did he allow me to feel the excruciating pain of loss on such a deep level?

I have told my children countless times, "I love you equally, but I express my love for you differently."  As I sit here I can hrar my Heavenly Father echoing those words back to me.

If I am not careful I can miss the unique love story that God is writing for me because I expect it to look like someone else's.

I often pray Psalm 119:41 as a prayer over myself.  "Lord, show me your love, and save me as you have promised."  Asking the Holy Spirit to open, my eyes too notice God's personal pursuit of my heart.  

As the Holy Spirit opens my eyes, I begin to take notice of how He was with me with a blazing sunset over snow-capped mountains or a star-filled sky.  How he embraces me in the warmth of a well-timed word of encouragement.   Or the affection shown as He extends is power and strength in my weakness. 

The more I notice the intimate and endless ways God shows His love to me, the more secure I feel in His love.  And all the insecurities and fears of being alone and abandon melt away.

God's love for me is impartial but His pursuit of me is very personal.   As I pay attention to God's one-of-a-kind wooing, I can hear my heart say back to Him, "I love the way You're loving me".