March 20, 2021

Sitting on the balcony from my condo in Maui

"And though those days were awful, I was not without God.  

So, today I look at what's right in front of me through what I know about God.  This is a gift.  This can be used for good.  This is part of a much bigger story.   And I can trust HIm to also make it beautiful.  Now...

I just have to keep making the choice to look for the beautiful."

~lysa TerKeurst (Forgiving what You Can't Forget)

I sit on our balcony, watching palm trees sway in the breeze, and the waves roll across the ocean, just. yards from our room. 

I cannot wait to get out ad explore this breathtaking island with my mom.   There is so much I am looking forward to on this trip.

Relaxing 🏖 Sun 🌄 🌞 Beautiful beaches 🏝 breathtaking scenery ⛰🌴🌸🌺🌼    

      waves crashing on the shore 🌊🌊🌊🌊.  

  Good food 🍈🍊🍌🍍🍓🍤🍧🍨🍹

Lots of memories and laughter 👅😂😆😋😊😛😜😝

But as I sit here taking in the sound of the waves crashing on the beach, I can't help but look back on how dramatically different my life was a year ago.  And what a completely different person I was than who I am today.

A  year ago my life had been flipped upside down.   I found myself desperate to cling to a relationship that was dying.   A relationship that only I seemed to want to bring back to life.  I had a death's grip on something that was destroying me and in the middle of it all, I didn't even see how it was tearing me apart piece by piece.  It was killing anything that still remained of the person I am.

I was holding on for dear life to something that only I seemed to still want.  I look back today and wonder why I wanted something so toxic.  So destructive.  Why was I so afraid to lose something that was so unhealthy for me, physically and emotionally?

I got married with the belief that it was forever.   Good.  Bad.  Hard times.   All of it.   You didn't walk away from your spouse.  A commitment was not something you threw out with the trash when it didn't feel good anymore.   You fought.   You worked.  You did what it took to be better together.  

I guess I never considered that my definition of love and commitment was much different than his.  I guess I looked at love and what I expected from love much differently than he did.   It was never about me.  It was about putting the one you love first and if they are doing that in return then both partners are. taken care of.  It was about believing in the person and always looking at the good.  It was about two broken people trying to be better together.  It was about stepping up when the other person was struggling, knowing that they would step up in return when you needed it.  

Looking back I think I allowed our relationship to become more important than myself.  And I am in no way implying that selfishness is ok.  What I am saying is that when a relationship becomes about one person.  When one party's focus shifts from their spouse to themselves.  When you put your needs above that of the one you are supposed to love.  It was at that point that I needed to start asking myself,... 

What about me?   Don't I deserve to be loved and supported too?   Can't you see that I am falling apart?  Don't you even care?

I spent two years prior to this point giving of myself to others until I had nothing to give.  Giving to my dying father,  Giving to my grieving mother.  Giving to a new and often stressful new position at work.  Giving to my kids.   And giving to a husband who kept telling me how neglected he felt. 

But what about me?  Who was giving to me?  Who was living me up?  Who was making sure I was supported and filled up?

If I am honest, he was probably right that I wasn't always putting him first.  But who was he to even ask me to choose between him and my dying father?  Him and my grieving mother.  And even the grief I myself was ignoring while I was too busy making sure everyone else was ok.  Who was making sure I was ok?

Wasn't this the time in a marriage where he stepped up for me?  Where he held me up?  I think about the story of Moses in Exodus.   The Lord told him that as long as he held his arms to heaven the Israelites would continue to win the battle.  But as he grew tired and couldn't hold them any longer, Aaron and Hur came along beside him and held his hands up for him.  

"When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it.  Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands so they were steady until the going down of the sun."

Exodus 17:12

Isn't that what God calls us to do for one another, especially in a marriage?  Aren't we to hold one another up when the other doesn't have the strength to do it on their own?   Wasn't I worthy of that kind of love?

A year ago I didn't know the answer to those questions.  And if I did I'd probably had told you I didn't deserve it.   
But today I sit here looking at the amazing handiwork of God from a balcony in Maui and I know the answer to those questions.  

100% Without a Doubt.  Wholely and Completely....

I deserve to be loved like that!!!

Stay tuned for more from Maui....